Forefront Families

Our Pastor spoke on the subject of forgiveness last week and it caused me to consider the importance of teaching our children how to forgive, rather than treat it as an exclusively adult subject. The dictionary definition of forgiveness is ‘to cease to blame, resent or be offended by others.’

 As I look back to my childhood, I don’t recall a time when I suddenly began to be resentful or tried to blame others for my actions.  I think that resentment began as soon as I realized that not everything I saw was mine, and not everything I wanted, could I have.  I don’t recall exactly when I first had my feelings hurt, but I remember a time when my caregiver stood over me in a menacing fashion and told me that her daughter Julie could run rings around me.  It was a real put-down. I was only about 5-years-old and I have never forgotten it. Small kids will blame others when they have little or no concept of who is at fault.  Older children will continue to shift blame when they have not been taught how to take responsibility for their own behavior.  Blaming others, resentment, and becoming offended occur when a person feels unsure of their own worth in the eyes of others.  It is a state of immaturity and one that can be rectified by effective parenting. 

Jealousy and resentment can be avoided when we accept and appreciate who we are and what we have, when we share our stuff with others, when we lose graciously, and when we affirm those around us.  Our example, as well as deliberate training, will promote a mature response from our children. There are times when we need to ask forgiveness from our children for words we said and discipline we performed without giving enough thought to the situation.  Our kids need to ask forgiveness of one another for harsh words they said or deeds they did.  In asking for forgiveness one must be truly sorry.  Being truly sorry means to make every effort not do that thing again.  My husband hears the word ‘sorry’ spoken a lot by kids at school, but many times it is said without conviction.  They have to repeat it until he is convinced that they really are sorry for what they have done.  Saying sorry with attitude does not cut it. That is merely words.  Sometimes he has had to say, “I will know that you are sorry when I see that you don’t do this again.”  

When teaching your children how to forgive, have them face the person they have offended, look them in the eye, and with a conciliatory voice tell them that they are sorry and why.  They will need a hand in the early training to know the sort of words that need to be said.  As an example, they could say, “I’m sorry, Bobby, that I threw the ball at you and hurt you.  I won’t do that again.” Being able to unconditionally forgive others is a sure way to live at peace with yourself, your family, and the wider world around you.  Forgiveness is an important concept to teach your children when they are toddlers, and reinforcement is needed from then on.  Children who do not learn how to forgive often turn into unforgiving adults who then carry around unnecessary emotional baggage.