Forefront Families

Indulging children comes in many forms.  Most people think of indulgence as giving kids too much `stuff'.  I am constantly astounded at the number of gifts that children in this country get for Christmas and birthdays.  I remember a guy at work once telling me that because his parents were so tough on him, he fully intended to `spoil his child rotten'.  Here's the formula:  Spoil kids rotten and you'll get rotten kids.  Is that what you want?  Pity the school when that child arrives!

Indulgence comes in other forms.  Sticking up for kids when they are wrong is indulgent.  When my husband was an assistant principal, a number of parents would come down to the school yelling and cussing him out in front of their child without even knowing the teacher's side of the story.  Even when it was proven the child was actually wrong, parents would often slam their way out of the school in anger.  What was this response teaching their child?  What the parent was actually saying was, "This is how you deal with authority!"  Excusing negative behavior or sticking up for your children when they are wrong does not give them an understanding of the difference between right and wrong, or make them responsible for their own actions.

Being indulgent is making excuses for inappropriate or negative behavior by saying such things as, "Oh, well!  Boys will be boys", or, "Isn't that cute?"  By doing this, the child grows up, being unaware of what appropriate social behavior is, and they often present as quite obnoxious and immature.  Giving in is indulgent.  This only changes the authority base from parent to child.  Children do mot respect a parent who gives in.  They actually want to be told `No', sometimes.  Indulgence is not disciplining children.  A work colleague told me once that he wasn't going to start disciplining till his child was around 8 years old. Horrors!   Inconsistent discipline creates insecurity or instability in the home because the child never knows how the parent will react.  Allowing children to be disrespectful is indulgent.  Indulgence is not expecting children to do chores around the house.  Not being involved with family chores, gives kids the feeling that the world revolves around them and they develop a selfish attitude.  They do not develop a sense of working together for the good of the family or sharing the work-load.  Also, when they have not been taught how to do chores, they are
ill-prepared when they leave home.

Indulgence is when one parent overcompensates for what they consider is the other parent's strict expectations.  Indulgence is shielding children from taking responsibility for their own actions.  We are counseling a family whose son has totaled four vehicles in six months. This teenager is not learning any sense of responsibility, because he is suffering no hardship for his own recklessness.

Indulgence has no positive outcomes.  It gives a distorted view of real life.  It creates unreasonable expectations and does not prepare children for a healthy, balanced life ahead.  `Stuff' does not replace what children really need, which is quality AND quantity time with parents.