| When Kids Shock You |
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Last night I was watching the TV sitcom ‘Frasier’. In this program his marriage had broken up some years before and his son, who lives elsewhere with his mother, appears on the show periodically as a visitor. In this episode Frasier was anxiously awaiting his son’s arrival, but when he opened the door he got the shock of his life. There was his 12-year-old son with black spiky hair, black around his eyes, black teardrops drawn on his cheeks, wearing a big black coat, and a sulky scowl on his face. In other words he was totally ‘Gothic’. Frasier just stood there dumbstruck, without a clue as to what to do. How could this situation have been different? I believe that we, as parents, need to be prepared for these situations. We need to be as unshockable as a battery-operated razor. The whole reason why kids do outrageous things is to create a reaction. Remember? When a kid comes to school with a Mohawk, the effect goes completely flat when the teacher shows no expression as he/she tells the boy to go to the office, call his mother to come and get him, and an administrator tells him not to come back until his hair style meets school rules. End of story. Parents will be much better prepared for behavioral surprises if they anticipate and discuss with their kids ‘shock’ possibilities well before their kids become teens. This is a much more productive time to address the potential issues, rather than trying to make up a dress code on the spot when your child is standing there with nose, lip or tongue piercing, a tattoo, or pants sagging down to their knees. When the expectations have been clearly outlined, reasons have been given for decisions made, boundaries are set, and consequences are presented, then kids will not be so easily swayed by peer pressure to act outside family values. Parents should allow their kids to discuss options and together decide what is acceptable. Regarding dress code. I understand that kids need to be able to express their individuality, but this should still fit within the boundaries of the family and school dress codes. OK, what dress code? Now may be a good time to think about it. Fashion often dictates the type of clothing we wear. Parents need to decide what is acceptable for girls and boys to wear in any given situation. There are many other teen shock possibilities. Kids suddenly do things they have never done before like smoking, drinking, answering back, becoming sexually active, trying drugs, and hanging out with friends who negatively influence them. Some kids become sullen, secretive or rude. All of these changes in kids’ behavior are common in teen years. The very best thing you can do, as parents, is to start discussing these issues when your kids are around 10 years old. Talk to your kids about why such changes in behavior may occur. Keep the lines of communication open so that there will be no confrontation due to parental challenge when it happens. Head it off with open discussion beforehand. Many times kids do not know the dangers in drinking, smoking, or wanting to go to another State with teenage friends during Spring Break. Girls don’t always realize that dressing scantily gives a message contrary to what they think, and that they may in fact be endangering themselves or their reputations. They don’t often realize how dangerous it is to hang out on the street, or that internet chat rooms can endanger them. It is vital that you, as parents, talk openly with your kids about why it is not acceptable for teens of the opposite sex to be in bedrooms behind closed doors, or to be able to go to parties where no parents are present. So what do you do when your teen shocks your sox off? You look them in the eye and with a poker face you say quietly and firmly, ‘you understand that what you are doing or wearing is not acceptable. I would like you to change immediately to where you are within our agreed boundaries. When you come back we will talk about it’. We are not being ‘square’ or old fashioned. We are protecting our kids. Teens do not have the wisdom that you may have, but they will appreciate that we are looking after their best interests – if we talk about it long before it is likely to happen. |
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WHOSE WILL WINS?
BLENDED FAMILIES:
PARENT OR PAL?
