| Why Kids Fight |
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The other day a young couple asked our advice concerning their preteen boys physically fighting all the time. This situation was obviously very wearing on their nerves as well as being a constant disruption to family harmony. Kids fight for many reasons. When they perceive unfairness from parents who favor one child, or who compare abilities of one child over another, it can cause jealousy, frustration, and often a feeling of worthlessness in one child. When parents remarry, a child’s position in the family changes and a new ‘pecking order’ emerges. Kids also perceive parental loyalties have changed through remarriage and often go through a time of insecurity until they are assured otherwise. When parents physically or verbally fight one another, they are demonstrating that they consider this to be an acceptable method of expressing their feelings. Kids will mirror this behavior and that of their heroes on TV, movies, or their favorite comic book characters. If their heroes are violent, then an impressionable child will copy them to become a ‘hero’, too. Kids who put one another down will only take so much before a fight starts. Kids sometimes fight because they have pent up energy, are bored, or have had no training in how to deal more appropriately with their anger and frustration. Others fight because negative attention is better than no attention at all from parents. Still others fight because they feel they have to be the winner or have to be right all the time. Some fight because that is what their parents have told them to do if harassed by a peer. Bully behavior is a serious problem. It needs to be recognized and addressed quickly. Bullies find pleasure in exerting power over someone weaker than them. There is physical fighting and there is squabbling and bickering. Our two children used to squabble constantly about one touching the other in the back seat of the car. We had to draw an invisible ‘Mason-Dixon Line’ in the center and make them sit well away from the middle of the seat. So how can we stop our kids fighting? We need to look at the causes and eliminate those. If the problem is parental role modeling, then parents need to work out a way of dealing with their anger and frustration in a peaceful manner. Counseling may be needed. Families need to have a clear set of family values in place that includes respect, forgiveness and fairness to all. With these values create behavioral expectations, boundaries, and consequences for negative behavior. Creating such expectations requires training time, and kids will learn how to handle their anger, frustration and disagreements appropriately. Parents of reconstituted families need to understand that the integration of two families will cause insecurities and angry moments for children. Counseling is a very worthwhile resource. Some say that it is permissible to ignore bickering and fighting. We do not subscribe to that notion. Fighting is an immature means to getting one’s own way. In other words, it is a selfish endeavor. We need to think of the greater good rather than personal gain. Kids need to be trained by parents to become self-controlled, self-motivated, self-sufficient, responsible adults, who work well in a team, in a marriage and in society. Fighting or bickering has no place in positive, successful adulthood. |
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WHOSE WILL WINS?
BLENDED FAMILIES:
PARENT OR PAL?
