Forefront Families

Middle children in families often say they are treated differently than the sibling before and after them.  First children get all the initial attention, but as other children come along they are often given the responsibility of looking out for younger ones and helping Mom with chores and shopping to ease her load.  Child 2 is the baby and enjoys a short period of special attention before child 3 takes over. Most kids say their youngest brother or sister got away with lots more than they did.  First children are the practice run.  Subsequent children are parented with more experience and by the time the youngest is born, parents are way less worried about the small stuff than they were with their first one.

Middle children often feel disconnected and insecure.  With several children in the family, middle children can feel lost in the everyday family activity.  Parents sometimes see middle kids as being similar – not the first and not the last, but somewhere in the middle.  These kids have to create an identity for themselves.  This is because they don’t feel as though they have anything ‘special’ about them.  They may withdraw into a quiet world of their own or go completely the other way and create as much attention as they can – sometimes to their own detriment.  Freddy, Jason and Lawson were brothers with only 35 months between them all.  Freddy and Lawson were similar in nature and absolutely loved to sing.  Jason felt different.  He couldn’t sing well and because he misbehaved for attention he felt like the black sheep of the family.  He ate to overcome his frustration and so his body weight increased.  He used his size to bully those around him.  His parents couldn’t understand why he was so difficult compared to their other boys.  Fortunately, he found his own way and became a very successful school principal.  So did his brothers.

It is very difficult for parents not to compare and favor one child over another.  Just because one is athletic or scholastic it doesn’t mean that others have less value for having other interests and skills.  Davey was the middle child of three boys.  His father told him quite clearly that he wouldn’t amount to anything because he was not interested in what he considered a ‘man’s job’.  Instead, Davey loved to write songs.  He was a wonderful guitarist and good singer.  Because Davey could never live up to his father’s expectations he turned to drugs and alcohol.  He lost his marriage and became depressed and suicidal. Through others’ appreciation of his unique abilities, Davey has eventually been able to develop personal pride in his music and recently recorded an album.  What a shame it was for him to have wasted so many years feeling like a misfit!

Just because you have ‘good’ middle children, it does not mean that they are feeling happy and secure.  All kids need the same amount of attention and to be applauded and encouraged for their particular strengths.  Each child needs one on one time with both parents.  In blended families, sibling order changes and there is a very strong possibility that kids from either family will feel lost in the new order.  Celebrate your kids’ uniqueness.  Make sure they have their own moments of glory.