| Choosing Your Battles |
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We probably don’t realize how many times we say no to our kids. It starts when they are toddlers, when a simple no is really all they understand as well as your disapproving expression and the tone of your voice. Ideally we should try to divert their attention to something else, but we live in an ever-increasing technological age where knobs, dials, buttons and keyboards are part of electronics that we can’t put out of their reach. Saying no to playing with these knobs is all part of teaching kids boundaries. As they start to understand language more, they need an explanation as to why they shouldn’t ‘touch this’ or ‘go there’. If they don’t know why something is forbidden then they won’t understand how to keep out of harm’s way, to prevent from breaking something or doing something wrong. Kids need boundaries. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior. What we need to do, as parents, is to evaluate our expectations to make sure we have created a healthy balance between the ‘cans’ and ‘cannots’. Too many no’s indicates authoritarian parental control that creates frustration and rebellion in kids. Too many yes’s indicates indulgence, lack of boundaries and lack of parental control. So how can parents create a positive atmosphere in the home while maintaining clear boundaries? The first thing is to recognize how kids most successfully learn through their different developmental stages. From a) saying no in infancy, to b) an explanation with the no as they begin to understand language, to c) allowing them to make mistakes and learn through consequences. Next, parents need to choose their battles. When families have clear family values, they can prioritize the ones they feel most strongly about. For example, honesty, respectfulness and obedience are values that will serve a child well right through life. Therefore, they need to know exactly what their parents’ expectations are on these values and the consequences for non-compliance. There are some circumstances when parents need to turn a blind eye. For example, if there is a really good program on TV and it isn’t a school night then kids may be permitted to stay up past their bedtime and watch it. When kids are having fun outside, the time for dinner might change. When kids are scratchy because they are tired and hungry, a parent needs to think about providing for their needs rather than discipline them. Before jumping in with a negative, ask yourself, “Does this really matter?” “Is a life in danger?” “Will it make any difference in ten years time?” If not, then let it go. You may want to discuss the situation with your kids, but hey, life is short and we only have a certain amount of time to guide and direct them to become successful, contributing, self-disciplined, and FUN LOVING adults. Decide now what it will take to reach those goals with your kids, and then enjoy your children while you have them. |
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WHOSE WILL WINS?
BLENDED FAMILIES:
PARENT OR PAL?
