Forefront Families

It would be safe to say that all parents expect their kids to be honest.  Truthfulness has long been held as one of the highest values in any society, yet if you asked fifty kids how many of them have told lies, you can bet that forty-five admit to it and the other four of the five left would be lying! 

My immediate thought about why people lie is that they fear the resulting punishment if they fess up, so lying is the best if not cowardly way out.  Dr. Victoria Talwar, assistant professor at Montreal’s McGill University and leading expert in children’s lying behavior, says that although most parents think kids are too young to understand what lies are or that lies are wrong, they will grow out of it.  In fact the OPPOSITE is true.  She states that kids grow into it.  According to Talwar, studies have shown that in their natural environment a 4 year-old will lie once every two hours and a 6 year-old about once every hour and a half.  She says that once a child reaches school age, lying is often used to increase their sense of power and control. It appears that teens most often lie to their parents about what they spend their allowance on, whether they have started dating, what clothes they put on away from the house, what movie they go to and with whom, alcohol and drug use and whether they hang out with friends their parents disapproved of. 

Kids not only lie to avoid punishment or to increase their sense of control, but parents teach their kids to lie.  Parents tell lies.  I have a friend who thinks there is no difference between white lies and real lies.  NOT!  Kids will do what their parents do.  For example, to be polite kids are told to accept gifts they think are hideous by saying, ‘Thanks, I love it.”  They should be taught how to accept a gift graciously, by saying something truthful like, “Thank you for remembering my birthday.”  Kids are going to have to learn how do deal with ‘on the spot’ situations of this nature all through their lives.  They don’t have to lie, but they can respond to the kindness of the person giving the gift.

If 98% of kids say it is wrong to tell lies, yet 98% of kids tell lies, what must parents do to create a strong family value about truthfulness?  The first step is to be totally truthful and, therefore, be positive role models to your kids.  The next step is to explain to them what lies are, why kids lie and why you as a family are going to always be truthful.  Explain that when someone tells lies, they won’t be trusted and others will not respect them.  Make your expectations clear.  Allow your kids some trial and error time as they learn to make good choices.  Praise your kids when they get it right.  Then set consequences for when they lie.  Make no exceptions once they are clear about your expectations.  Don’t be afraid of driving your teens away by setting strong boundaries.  Kids don’t want parents to be their friends or to be ‘wishy-washy’.  They want you to set high, but reasonable expectations.  They need to know that you expect them to be truthful so that you can trust and respect them.

Your kids will make a very positive impression with their friends, their teachers, their employers, their spouses, and their children when they are truthful.  Trust, respect and truthfulness are prize values that parents need to instill in their families.  Kids won’t just grow out of telling lies.  They must be trained from the beginning.

If you have any questions or success stories on this subject, please contact us on management@forefrontfamilies.org