Forefront Families

I read an article that said that bickering and squabbling between brothers and sisters is natural and that unless things get heated, parents should just accept that it is a healthy way for kids to learn to live with one another.  It went on to say that rivalry isn’t unique to humans and that we see it in the animal kingdom constantly.  It does concern me that we, as parents, accept fighting amongst family members as a normal and meaningful way to learn how to ‘play nice’.  Our children are not animals and to allow them to bicker and fight and disrupt household harmony as a means of improving relationships seems to me to be counter productive.  Wouldn’t it be quicker and more proactive to teach them from an early age the value of being respectful so they don’t get to such levels of frustration that anger bubbles over?

           I must confess that when our kids were small, I thought they would never stop arguing.  Thankfully when they reached their early teens, they turned the corner and are now best friends.  Why did they act out in this way?  Were they just reenacting how they saw us solve our differences?  No, we were peaceful parents. Did we purposefully train them to better manage their anger and frustration?  No, we didn’t obviously.  Why didn’t we step in and teach them an appropriate way to handle their differences?  Maybe we were so busy with our stuff we were not aware of the telltale signs of trouble brewing until it was too late?  Maybe we, like many, thought it was normal, gave in to the inevitability, and just crossed our fingers that they would eventually grow out of it.  I am sincerely sorry now that we were not more proactive in showing our kids a better way. My husband,Brian, is one of three boys.  When they started fighting one another, their father gave them all boxing gloves and ushered them into the back yard to duke it out.  I wonder what healthy lesson there was in that?

You know, there is a much better way of dealing with these squabbles.  The first thing is not to accept it as a healthy way to handle conflict.  Look at your own role modeling and BE what you want your kids to be.  Give your children equal attention and personal time – one parent with one child.  Encourage them to tell you about their frustrations and recognize that they have genuine feelings that hurt.  Understand that pecking orders change with reconstituted families and kids act out when they feel insecure.  Don’t negatively compare your kids with one another.  Watch out for signs of frustration in your kids and step in before it escalates.  Don’t raise your own voice over theirs.  Teach them to recognize their own negative feelings. “He made me mad”, is an oft’ heard cry.   Tell your kids they make a choice to buy into the situation or to walk away.  They need to learn how to handle conflict early on so they don’t develop tantrum or bullying behaviors.  Helping them to increase their vocabulary so they can explain their feelings and talk out a situation is a healthy start.  Teach them how to respect one another by encouraging them to affirm one another face to face on a regular basis.  Show them how to perform kind deeds for others and recognize and reward positive behaviors between siblings.

Peacefulness is a precious thing.  It stems from self-control and regard for others.  Our kids deserve to learn both and society is all the better for it.

If you have any comments or concerns regarding this subject, please contact us at management@forefrontfamilies.org