Forefront Families

It is a very common assumption that ‘only children’ are so indulged that they grow into spoiled brats.  We can see how this might happen, especially if parents have tried without success for many years to have their own baby, or eventually adopt a child.  Having waited so long, some parents may treat this child as an extra special treasure, or as a miracle.  Every birth is a miracle!  The child may become the center of their universe and remains enthroned as long as there are no other children taking the attention away from them. 

     It has long been believed that birth order influences personality and relationships within the family.  First children are the ones who naturally get the most attention.  The first child to be born is normally raised by totally inexperienced parents, and this little one becomes the experimental kid.  As more children come along, parents become more relaxed with parenthood and learn what to worry about and what not to fixate on.  Usually, first kids will tell you that they never got away with a thing.  Middle ones are only the ‘baby’ for a given time before the next one/s comes along.  The older ones will say the youngest gets away with murder.  Maybe you can relate to that! 

     Research shows that there is a tendency for first children to be conscientious, academic, conforming, conservative and leaning towards leadership, while children born later are more inclined to be flexible and rebellious (Sulloway, 1997).  If there are no more children to come the only child will likely display the above firstborn characteristics.  Single children are usually raised in adult company and their perspective and learning is likely to be different than children who significantly mix with other children.  The only child’s parents need to ensure that the child has plenty of time to play with others so they can develop normal social skills.  Because we all want the best for our kids we tend to create a wish list in our minds of what we want them to experience or become.  Single children often have to learn to be their own best friend and have to work at making friendships with other kids.  A naturally introverted child will be forced to reach out to make friends, and a naturally extroverted child will need to learn how to manage their own company (Eischens, Northwestern University). 

     Some single child parents we know place very adult and unrealistic expectations on their children.  They can be very hard on them while at the same time try to be their friend.  This cloistering, smothering, ‘buddy’ behavior often leads to rebellion when the child reaches adolescence.  When the mother tries to hold on for dear life to this child she has such a deep relationship with, she finds it extremely difficult to ‘cut the apron strings’ and let go.  She often gets very hurt when her child starts asserting some independence and eventually leaves home.

     To ensure an only child experiences a balanced life it is vital that they have other children to play with, and that parents learn as much as they can about providing a loving, yet disciplined environment so that the child grows up to have a balanced, positive and caring outlook on life.

If you have any questions or comments on this subject, please contact us at management@forefrontfamilies.org